Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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