I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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