she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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