proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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