Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
