I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
