He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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