did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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