but the lizard people decide everything anyway
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You have to summon your inner elephant
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
