Jerry, you need to find god
I met the friendliest cop last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
