his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
