I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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