oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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