my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
