I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize