when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
