I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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