My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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