The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
