you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
