I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
