saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
