I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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