im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
