It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
