I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
