You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
