I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
