Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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