Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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