Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
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