you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
