My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
