i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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