A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
