I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
