What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
