He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
