First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
