but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
