I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
