Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
