Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
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He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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