I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
