i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
