Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
