Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
