i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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