is your mom at the bar?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
