You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
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the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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