We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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