her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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