I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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